Gaseous Planet - The Paris Hilton Rules

This article is reprinted from the "Laughing Gas" feature in the California Society of Anesthesiologists' CSA Bulletin, Winter 2006.

A NOVEL HEALTH CARE REFORM activist group is the curiously-named "Free Healthcare for All Coalition" based in Marin, California. I met with the group's founder and director, Diana Tiffany, to discuss FHAC and their plan to introduce the health care spending reform bill AB $0.00 for 2006.

HC: Ms. Tiffany, so tell me about the founding of FHAC and its goals.

DT: Why, certainly! FHAC was founded to provide accessible and free healthcare in America. Free, zero, nada - not a single red cent. We're in the process of submitting AB $0.00 to the California Assembly as a pilot; if successful, we plan to spread this concept across country. It would be, you know, another "California-leading-the-nation" thing.

HC: Many health care plans have failed because of underfunding concerns. How is AB $0.00 any different?

DT: The zeros in AB $0.00 stand not only for what the patients pay but also the balance in your trust fund account.

HC: Excuse me. I don't have a trust fund. I actually work for a living.

DT: Obviously, you would not be a candidate for joining FHAC or affected by AB $0.00. There is a minimum requirement of a $10 million dollar trust fund in order to be a FHAC member.

HC: I have to say, this is a truly new approach - bankrupting the trust funds of the idle rich to pay for the health care of the less fortunate. Usually these health care financing proposals focus on raising funds from working people.

DT: I founded FHAC after working many years as a nanny for the super rich - the Rockefellers, Gettys and Hil-tons. Whenever they had a problem brat child, I was there to the rescue.

HC: So, how did you move from nanny to health care activist?

DT: As a nanny, I kept seeing the troubling cycle of obligatory radicalism in '"my'" kids. So many of my kids would grow up ignored by their parents, and despite their wealth, they become communists in sandals before falling back to wearing Gucci shoes again. I thought I would channel their rebellious energy to real reform.

HC: I don't see the connection.

DT: Ignored in childhood, these kids would yearn to fill their emotional emptiness by joining the latest Socialist movement at their Ivy League - or Stanford or Berkeley - campuses in an attempt to be "one with the people."

HC: So you mean it's like the John Lennon verse "All you need is love."

DT: Exactly. They don't get love as children, so instead, they look to society. Sad, really.

HC: So why FHAC?

DT: Well, I knew so many super rich kids who were interested in the health care financing crisis that I thought we could get together and propose real reform.

HC: How do you get Ivy League-caliber rich kids together?

DT: Well, we had our initial three-day organizational symposium at the Ritz-Carlton in St. Croix, but I have to ad-mit that we were a little unfocused and too idealistic. Reform proposals ranged from "Enslavement of Physicians for the Betterment of the Masses" to "Teaching Self-Surgical Techniques to Urban Children."

HC: Wow, pretty much all over the place. Any favorites?

DT: Yes, I found the kids' presentations of "Genetic Cloning: the Resurrection of Dr. Che Guevara? and "Relativ-ity: Use of Nebula Wormholes to Finance Health Care" as particularly creative and inspiring.

HC: So how did AB $0.00 come about?

DT: Well, the kids decided that we needed to take responsibility. That and also that we were inspired by Paris Hil-ton. I raised Paris, you know?

HC: Wow, no, I didn't! To the best of my knowledge, Paris Hilton has been pretty quiet about health care reform.

DT: She's quiet because she sticks to what she knows. You don't see her prancing and howling on stage with U2 promoting AIDS relief for Sudanese macadamia nut farmers like some of my other kids, do you?

HC: So, just how does Paris Hilton help health care reform?

DT: Well, we have four rules that are in FHAC's charter. First rule: Look in the mirror, and love yourself. Don't look for social causes to love you. Second rule: Don't talk about things you can't possibly understand - such as food stamps and Toyotas. Third rule: Don't attempt to represent people you spend your existence trying to avoid - for example, actual working people and public school graduates.

HC: I wonder how many mirrors Paris Hilton uses. And, anyway, how does AB $0.00 fit into these FHAC rules and objectives?

DT: Well, we all decided that rather than trying to improve health care by getting the working class to foot the bill, the trust fund kids could contribute their money rather than their ethereal ideas to the problem.

HC: Do you think your kids will support AB $0.00? Without their trust funds, they might have to actually find a job and work.

DT: We'll soon find out. The FHAC kids took off in their jets to Barbados last week to have another symposium. I understand AB $0.00 is the second item on the agenda, behind "Promoting Diversity: Cross-breeding Harvard and Stanford Alumni."

HC: Paris Hilton as a role model for the rich - I need to get used to the concept. And, as I recall, you said there were four rules. What is the fourth?

DT: Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me. The fourth rule: Never, ever be seen in public without a "killer" tan.

Dr. Harrison Chow is an anesthesiologist practicing in San Jose and is still looking for the keys to his trust fund. He can be reached at hchow@stanfordalumni.org.